Learning to forgive...myself

Forgiveness

Not understanding the true definition of the word, it brought to mind blame, shame and the need to apologise for having done something wrong. Having licked my wounds for several weeks it is as I read an article in The Guardian Weekend that change begins. In “Experience” this week Floyd Bledsoe shares his story of being framed by his brother for murder, who was also backed up by their parents. Now finally exonerated Floyd writes that he has seen his mother, now an elderly lady dying in hospital, and felt only compassion. His father was standoffish but, he writes:

I learned in prison that I had to forgive them and all the people who wronged me. I can’t let their actions control me. It’s a decision I make daily.

Bang! I am finally awake and ready to understand. That understanding is, of course, nothing to do with my head and everything to do with my deep wounds. Perhaps I am finally going to allow them to stop suppurating and start receiving the much-needed balm that will come from laying the ghosts to rest.

So what is forgiveness really all about? I researched this several weeks ago when I was still angry, hurt, upset and looking for validation. I read these two and dismissed them as they did not immediately tell me that the use of the term “forgiveness” had been inappropriate. Now I am reading them and feeling completely different:

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ...Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offences. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offence, lets go of negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance (however justified it might be), and with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning(granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship). 

(see Wikipedia entry quoting from the American Psychological Association https://web.archive.org/web/20110626153005/http://www.apa.org/international/resources/forgiveness.pdf)

So now I want to probe more deeply into what it is that upset my equilibrium. It is comments such as: 

How do we know whether or not we have truly forgiven someone?
The answer is simple. Ask yourself if you can genuinely
thank this person or situation for the gift they gave you in life?
If the answer is "No", then you haven't forgiven them.

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/forgiveness.htm

This is the kind of pseudo-psychology that re-opens wounds, re-offends a person, and causes fresh hurt. As far as I understand it, were the person being forgiven still alive, I would be working towards wishing them well. I would be practicing a belief in restorative justice and in everyone’s ability to redeem themselves by learning and changing their behaviour. What I would not be doing is actively thanking them for what they had done to me in my life. I can learn from the wounds inflicted and use what I learn for good but that is distinctly different from actively being glad or grateful for what happened.

In my experience I have been directly hurt by various people and events. One person is dead. I am not grateful to him for anything but I can feel myself starting to let go of the intensity of pain, knowing that I won’t ever forget but knowing too that I don’t need to hold on to it as if I deserve to continue hurting.

My equilibrium was also knocked off balance because there has never been an admittance of guilt on the perpetrators’ side. As I said one person is dead so cannot be faced with anything, the other individuals are not in my life and I have no intention of seeking them out. So that means I need to get to a place where I can let go of the need for them to admit guilt, ask for forgiveness, or be seen to be redeeming themselves. And to do that I need to ask myself that tough question – why do I need that external validation, public confession, or whatever it is that I seem to need? The answer is obvious – I need to value myself, believe my own truth, know my own reality. It is clear to me that herein lies my major challenge – I behave aggressively, defensively, and also childishly and pathetically (by this I mean that I will suddenly turn into a terrified, powerless child needing to be comforted, feeling very bad, and afraid of being in big trouble).

Looking at a current example:

·      AB unable to set dates and times for peer counselling due to – 

o   His sister suddenly becoming dangerously unwell

o   His mother having to sell their family home, requiring Adam to help her cope with both the practicalities and the emotions

o   Pain levels due to a back injury

·      AB deciding to leave the course meaning I need a new peer counsellor and our study group loses a member too

·      JS asking if I would work with NSH and then reporting back that NSH didn’t want to change again, having already had to change from having SD (who had been my mortal and NSH’s peer counsellor but left after the first residential)

Automatic reaction to all of the above – it’s not fair, why me?, it always happens to me. Well of course it does, nobody wants to work with me, I’m impossible, I’m such a bad, fat, ugly, difficult person…I shouldn’t make a fuss…

As I start to learn to change this automatic response, I can hear (read) and absorb the realities, which are mostly about what is happening to other people and sometimes those events bump into my events in my life. Roland sent me a really helpful message about how he has learned to deal with big challenges. He told me:

It's chaotic, nothing is ordained, nothing is intended, nothing is blamed. Collisions happen and don't happen randomly by chance. 

It really isn’t all about me! Now that I can absorb that I can read the messages from AB, JS, and CB differently. I realise that I can let the automatic voice have its say without letting it in. I can choose to let it slip past me barely noticed, giving me time, space and energy to observe the full picture. I found myself today feeling almost elated reading CB’s message:

I’m trying not to get too attached to the drama of it all…Trying to practice just being aware of impermanence… Besides what NSH feels, there’s also me and AO. I feel like I’ve expended quite a lot of energy getting our trio working, and we’re finally getting into the swing of it, so personally wouldn’t be happy for NSH to be moved yet again.

One day I will reach this place without these prompts perhaps but for now I am very grateful to my wonderful OneSpirit Tribe!