Feeling my edges

What a day of ups and downs, twists and turns, unexpected outbursts, and moments of bliss.

After a very blustery, rainy and therefore noisy night in the caravan I was in a rush to get ready and get out this morning. I drove to the Meeting House to light the fire, check the heating, and set up the room then on into Northallerton to collect Chris and Jaqui. They were in Lakeland worshipping items! I drove us to the house so that they could see how we are living at the moment. This was heartening as they could see the potential, could see what a huge project it had become, and yet were still encouraging! We had lunch in the Joiners Shop and caught up on each other's news but mostly discussed the course, and how to release Adam (that sounds like he's in prison! but it's simply that he's decided to leave the course and we want to recognise his being part of it, part our study group, and for me also my peer mentor/study buddy.

On arriving at the Meeting House I messaged Adam to see if he was available to Skype with us but got no reply. Jane Skyped in at 2 pm initially suggesting that she would be with us for about 20 minutes. Over 1.5 hours later we finally let her go. I did a lot of raging, ranting, and crying. I got cross with her for justifying, for patronising me, and for passively hearing but not responding to our concerns. I know that I have to do my own work but I feel wounded and frustrated. Anyway, we finally got to a place of better understanding once Jane shared with us that it was the first year they were using Slack, having a residential course, and working with a smaller group of participants. Add to that it's Jane's first time tutoring the course.

After this intense session we pulled on our hiking boots and went out. I took Chris and Jaqui up to the field behind the Garth, collected some spring water for Chris' ceremony, then up to Lady Chapel. By the time we returned we were warmed up, ready for a snack, and emotionally refreshed.

We spent the final hour of our time together going through our ceremonies. I started as mine is the least-formed (or amoebic as I describe it!). It was so helpful to talk it through. See separate post about my first ceremony.

Next Jaqui shared hers, which is a New Year ceremony to help us acknowledge what has been, bid it farewell, and then step into the future.

We ended with Chris's ceremony, which is a water ceremony to acknowledge and share our tears, our griefs.

Reflecting on the day I am surprised by my moments of negativity, delighted by my capacity to bounce back, and curious to explore my ceremony ideas, the suggestions from Chris and Jaqui, and how I can develop the tools I need to keep myself safe, to immerse myself without losing myself.