Rite of Passage

Someone recently asked me what advice I would give my daughter growing up. 

I didn't have an answer. 

I don't have the answers yet and I'm still growing up myself, but if there was ever anything, I would want her to take in and let seep deep into her little soul it would be this. 

People are going to come and go. 

You can't make everyone stay and not everyone will like you. 

Friends will back away without reason and boyfriends will leave without warning and people will drift away without your knowledge but that is no reflection on you, it's just guiding. 

The kindest thing I have ever done for myself is to truly accept that I can't please everyone and I don't need to. 

I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. 

If I was everyone's cup of tea, I'd be a mug. 

That kind of peace of mind that I've gifted myself has been a complete game changer in this life where I've always allowed anxiety to stalk my every move. 

Now it still walks behind me, but with enough distance for me to run away from it if I allow myself to.

I read a quote recently that said " The woman you're becoming will cost you people, relationships, and material things, choose her over everything." 

One day, my little girl, after wasting a life time craving the respect of everyone in this world, you will see the reflection of the only woman you ever have to please looking back at you and you will be filled with all the respect you need. 

Save yourself the torment, 

And learn to love her now.

Instagram : emma_lou_harris

Completion of an assignment but not completion of the task...YET!

Self-directed learning assignment

Complete and write it up, to be handed in any time between now and 15 May

Two sides A4 to include the four following reflections: 

1. phases of conceiving what you wanted to experience
2. taking action
3. reviewing the process
4. what you learnt

This is intended to give you a real opening into the confidence to live your life from the position of your higher and self-authorising purpose.

What is this thing? 

What shape does it take? 

How should it feel?

Immediate reaction is to go for the most difficult thing that I definitely do NOT want to do, to wind my soul through the tightest wringer and leave no disturbance unshaken. What is there in my life that I fear doing? AND that I cannot/do not wish to leave undone? It is not to be something that I have already started, nor a repetition of something already done once.

List of possibilities:               Climb Mount Etna or some other very high mountain

                                                Act on Broadway or the West End or…anywhere

                                                Become a bestselling novelist, or poet or essayist

                                    

List of impossibilities:           Write a letter to **** in our village whose behaviour
has left me feeling abused

                                                Stop chewing fingers until they bleed

                                                Get back to highly proficient clarinet-playing

How fascinating! It seems that it feels more likely that I will climb a high mountain (I have done some mountain-climbing and abseiling in the past, have no interest or need to revisit!), act on an international stage (never done anything other than at school and in Young Farmers!), or get published (last writing prize I won was at school), than it would be to tackle the list of seemingly mundane, much more accessible things. I am constantly amazed by the perverted way in which we treat our own selves. All of the above passed through my mind with such ferocity and with such velocity that I was left winded. I kept coming back to that first one in my list of impossible tasks. 

It still sickens me to think about it…so it must be the task I should tackle. Should? Churned up as I record this I feel sick, my head spins. I try to visualise myself writing the letter. I retch. I try to imagine how I might feel on the other side, having completed the task but I get lost in my thoughts and feelings. I can’t describe it further here as I don’t want you to read it. [Even typing this up has left me nauseous and exhausted].

Some weeks later having driven myself to distraction with this task and then with Huna, I discuss it all with Jane and I decide to put this all to one side. Now is not the time, here is not the place. So now what?

I prevaricate forwards and backwards for MONTHS, or so it seems. Beating myself up, discovering the joy of seeking a project that will be joyful as well as challenging, and desiring to find a new way of working and honouring myself. Finally on January 4th I record the following in my blog:

Great, I think! That’s broken the back of it. And I sit and wait for “it” to happen. And sit…and wait… 

Flicking through “Kindred Spirit” one day I come across a competition – “The 2020 Local Legend Spiritual Writing Competition”. Finally I had my focus – a deadline that was meaningful (not that handing in this assignment isn’t meaningful but you know what I mean!) both date-wise (31 August 2020) and style/ethos/subject matter.

I started to map out some ideas and since then they have grown lives of their own as these things do. I love to watch “The Repair Shop” and one week they featured a chair whose back story included being hidden from the Nazis and being bomb-damaged.

Another story began around an abandoned farmhouse near to our home. It is one of my favourite places to visit and holds a beautiful, gentle energy. I started an outline for a story and then Covidia (the pandemic called Corona virus, the disease Covid-19) came closer and started morphing the storyline into something else.

Throughout I have gone through phases of Ah!, Oh!, Hmm!, and Grrr!  

1. I have discovered that:
2.  I need to be accountable to others who I trust;
3.  I need to state out loud and in handwriting what it is I am planning to do;
4.  I need something concrete to work towards;
5. my muse do expect me to put some effort in!
6. I am quicker to take action on something that I KNOW is achievable rather than something that I might not complete, or might fail at.

This journey continues of course and perhaps one day you might hear about me having had something published!

Can it really be so long since I last blogged?!

Here is my litany of excuses:

Had prep to do for a retreat I was co-facilitating

Corona social distancing started

It was my mum’s 75th

Corona social distancing meant no hugs or kisses

Corona lockdown hit

It was my birthday

Corona social distancing meant everyone stayed home

Gateway 4 (should have been at Ammerdown)

Corona meant our retreat went online

Exhaustion post-retreat

Corona in the village

Father-in-law’s 87th birthday

Corona takes life of his neighbour

Finally I return to my blog!

Study Group incorporating Self-Love and Selfhood Ceremony

On arrival at Jaqui's home I asked Chris and Jaqui to prepare the pot of hawthorn tea while I set up the ceremonial space in the front room. We then gathered, lighting a candle in the hearth, and took a few minutes to check in with each other.
In the ceremonial space I had placed several cards from The Four Agreements card deck, three herbal healing cards (walnut, hawthorn and willow), and in the centre of the room, I placed the tie-dyed faja (Mayan) that Alison made for me on the table as an altar-cloth, a large tea-light for each of us on top of some "grace" cards that Gail gave me to open each day for 40 days leading up to my 40th birthday (11 years ago - Gail was my girlfriend at the time and it was then that I legally changed my name to Hawthorn). Also on the table I placed several stones (tiger's eye, jasper, opal, and a goddess stone), all of which were given to me by Alison’s family after her death. 
As usual when we meet, we created a sacred circle and on this occasion I was the celebrant. I gave Chris and Jaqui the readings I wanted them to read and then I left the room before returning to start the ceremony:

Preparation – silence, personal reflection and musicTouches and Traces – Leonard BernsteinScene Suspended – Jon Hopkins

Grounding & Invocation - Celebrant invites us by saying:

Let us step down from our daily lives and into this thin place

Suspending external duties and thoughts as we step into this sacred space

• Just for this moment, lay aside your ordinary life and step into this extraordinary circle;Just for this moment, let the burdens of your heart rest in the shelter of this circle; Just for this moment, hand over your worries and let joy bubble up from your toes, spreading through your body and radiating out through your being to touch one another round the circle;  Just for this moment, breathe in love and breathe out love in this healing circle; Just for this moment put down the heaviness of the world and welcome Spirit into this circle.

Celebrant lights the central candle

All together (spoken): 

I Open my Heart, Let the Transformation begin!

We open our Hearts, Let the Transformation begin!

HAWTHORN HEART SONG introduced by celebrant as a call and response:

You hold my heart (repeat 3 times twice)Deep within your own glowing centre

You grow my heart (3 times twice)

Heart-light flowing out to connect with all beings

You heal my heart (3 times twice)

Holding shadow and light in the centre of our one heart

(Image)

BODY PRAYER: 

[the Ogham symbol for H, the 6^th letter of the Celtic alphabet - Hawthorn (Hoo-ah or Oo-ah)]Let us draw the symbol in the air three times as follows, reminding ourselves of the HEART, of HEALING, AND of HEALTH:

Stay seated or stand as you are comfortable

       Right hand across at heart level facing palm out to the left;

       Raise the left hand to meet the right in prayer position;

       Bring the hands across the body to the left staying in prayer position;

       Extend the right arm up to the sky and press the left hand down towards the earth.

       REPEAT THREE or more TIMES

CELEBRANT pours out a cup of hawthorn tea for each participant and they drink together.

_________________________

As we sipped our tea, Chris asked me to talk more about Alison, how we met, and why she is so ever-present for me. It was lovely to be asked and to be able to tell Jaqui and Chris about our history, including me taking the name Hawthorn and Alison taking the name Gean (wild cherry).

We then prepared to move into the ceremony I had prepared following my counselling sessions first with Jo (2nd year student) and then with Christopher (core tutor). This is how I put the request to Chris and Jaqui on Slack to which I received two wholehearted YES responses:

I am aware that there are a number of unanswered questions above and I don't know what is happening in anyone else's lives other than my own. I have just had wonderful counselling sessions, first with Jo and then with Christopher. Out of these has come a very clear call for me to take action on healing myself, to which end I would like to ask you both to be witnesses, holders, and participants in a short ritual on Sunday during which I will hold myself as a newborn, offer words of support and encouragement, and then invite you both to be guardians of that child-self. Should either of you feel uncomfortable please say. In addition if you would like to undertake this healing yourselves then I am very happy to witness, hold, and be guardian. We would do this ritual after our settling in/grounding opening ceremony. My desire is for this to free myself up further for the important work that we are all doing together and individually, and facilitate the same for each of you should you feel it is something necessary or helpful for you to do. This will all be time-framed so don't worry that you're going to have to spend the day mopping up tears!!! Let me know what feels right. Much love always xxxx

AN ACT OF SELF-LOVE and SELFHOOD

Florence the ragdoll is brought into the circle on a beautiful blanket to symbolise the newborn Leti, Juliet Ann Harris born on Maundy Thursday, 3^rd April 1969 in the back bedroom of number 1 Gypsy Lane, Marton. Florence was handmade for Juliet by her paternal grandmother some 40+ years ago and has been with her ever since. I wore the pearl bracelet that was made from my maternal grandmother's set of pearls, made into three bracelets by my sister, Emma for me, her and our mother.

Dear friends we have invoked the Great Spirit that connects us three and that weaves between all beings and all of Nature. And we have entered into this sacred heart space. We are now going to move into deeper healing, honouring my birth and beginning the process of my rebirth. I am so grateful that you Chris and you Jaqui have said YES to participating in this ceremony as witnesses, co-creators, and spiritual mentors/guardians.I would like to share with you the messages that have come from Christopher and Jane:From Christopher: “May the power of One Spirit be with you dear Leti and hold you during this special ceremony. Warmest of blessings,Christopher”
From Jane: “Dearest Leti - A thousand blessings on your stepping forward into the light, and blessings on Chris and Jaqui in their roles supporting you in this process.

You will be truly upheld, for the power of Spirit dances when it flows through us - and you will carve magic here.

Witnessing with grace.

Hold yourself in care and joy.

Utmost love

Jane”

So let us now to take a few minutes to prepare ourselves, stepping down deeper into ourselves and with each other in the presence of Spirit, our ancestors, deceased loved ones, and all of our OneSpirit tribe.

As we feel ready, we will each take a candle, light it from the central candle and say:

I am … CHRIS / JAQUI / LETI

I am here to witness Juliet Ann Harris welcoming herself
into the world and naming her true self

Leti lifts her ragdoll from the blanket, holds her tenderly and speaks softly to her while a piece of music plays:

Love Song by Will Todd (schoolfriend and witness at my
confirmation in 1986 at the age of 17, 10 years after my baptism when I was 7)

We invite Wise-woman Brigid, divine midwife and foster mother to all newborn, into this circle and say together:

Fire of wisdom to bless you, fire of insight to enlighten you, fire of mercy to protect you, fire of the Divine to encircle you and grant you peace

Now Leti turns to Chris, handing him her newborn self and asks:

Chris – do you welcome Juliet Ann Harris, my newborn-self as one of her spiritual guardians?

I DO AND I OFFER HER …
(a name or a grace/quality you would like to imbue her with)

Leti then receives Florence back into her arms and turns to Jaqui, handing her Florence and asking:

Jaqui – do you welcome Juliet Ann Harris, my newborn-self as one of her spiritual guardians?

I DO AND I OFFER HER …
(a name or a grace/quality you would like to imbue her with)

Again Leti receives Florence back into her arms and holds her while the readings are given.

Chris reads Psalm 139 (as translated/interpreted by Nan C Merrill in ”Psalms for Praying” pp277-279);Jaqui reads from Ezekiel 37:1-10 (in Woman Prayer Woman Song, pp 32-33)

SONG using CALL and RESPONSE: Blow Through Me Breath of God

Blow through me breath of God; blow through me like a pipe, like a flute,
like a reed, making melody - the cosmic song in me, breath of God

Leti turns to both Chris and Jaqui, saying:

I still have a long way to go to heal myself for the past I had and the past I did not have but today marks the end of the labour and the beginning of rebirth. I lay down the burden of my childhood, I give thanks for the privileges my parents gave me and I prepare to step forward, acknowledging myself as a line-walker and recognising the watery nature that I need in order to flow and to let go of rigidity as we welcome the New Moon today. To mark this new beginning I take the name Orisha 

as my middle name. 

I am Leti Orisha Hawthorn

Chris and Jaqui – will you support me, Leti Orisha Hawthorn as spiritual co-mentor as we travel together on this path?

BOTH RESPOND:   YES, LETI ORISHA HAWTHORN, WITH THE HELP OF ONESPIRIT AND EACH OTHER WE WILL!

BLESSING SPRAY AND ANOINTING WITH HAWTHORN OIL

We say together:

Fire of wisdom to bless us, fire of insight to enlighten us,
fire of mercy to protect us, fire of the Divine to encircle us and grant us peace

Let us gently close the circle for now, carrying with us the inner light that we have ignited, the inspiration we have breathed in, and the love of learning that we share.

Each snuffs out their candle then all stand holding hands and take turns in giving thanks.

END OF CEREMONY

This was such a powerful, enfolded-in-spirit time. I shared with Chris and Jaqui that Jo had sent me the extract about Orisha after our session on Wednesday but she had received it when she asked Spirit for a reading before we spoke. She had not shared it with me at the time as I felt the need for silence but I had mentioned Yoruba with reference to Iyanla Vanzant and her book "Yesterday I Cried". I was recalling how Vanzant talks about "borrowing from the old you" in the first chapter and that is an important teaching for me. Chris then told us that Orisha had become the term for all of the gods that the Yoruba people brought from Africa into the New World Yoruba practice, assimilated into attributes of spiritual character to make them more acceptable to the Western viewpoint.

Jaqui asked if she could read something back to me. She picked up the sheet and read the extract on Orisha, changing "she" to "you". Deeply moving and very humbling.

I will take some time to absorb all that took place on this special day and I give thanks for all that facilitated it coming to pass.

____________________________________

At end of our time together:

We give thanks for this time out of time in this thin place, for hospitality and sharing, for teaching and for discovering, for the opportunity of rebirth with each breath we take, and for all we have been, all we are, and all we are becoming.

CELEBRANT speaks the following words then all join in singing (and dancing as moved):

Dance with my heart (repeat 3 times twice)
We are one, we are dancing with the heart of all life

To close the celebrant invites everyone to step forward together, pick up their tealight, hold it up high in gratitude to Spirit and to one another for this sacred space, then extinguish the light before replacing the tealight on the ground and stepping back.

CELEBRANT (with joy!): 

“Our hearts have been opened, the transformation is underway!

WE give thanks for all who have been with us in spirit and we give thanks to the Great Spirit, that Divine Spark for dancing within and between us”

We closed by singing together the song that Jane taught us at the last gateway.